Enjoying the peace while I still have nothing to do...

I love reading friend's blogs and being touched and inspired to remember I have my own to write on, too.

Today has just been a happy day! I heard in lecture today that a key ingredient to living a long life is optimism. Yesterday, our pastor quoted a scripture about making one's language and conversation full of grace and seasoned with salt so that we can be wise in how we act towards others and make the most out of every opportunity. How can you not automatically want to just change everything to be more optimistic after that? How can you not stop to look at the words you say and want every utterance to be so fully saturated in grace and love that you just smile without a real cause?

I've come to find that the words we say have a lot of influence over how we are, and not the other way around. I have noticed in just this short time that when I turn words around to be more graceful, more loving, more honoring and respectful, and begin to see everything around me that is good, great, grand! The bad things just suddenly seem not so bad or permanent. Get this- the bad situations have their good, too! Blessing begin to have more richness, burdens have less weight.

I guess what I am really saying is... I have so much rich blessings, I am ecstatic! I look at pictures of my future stepdaughter and my fiance, and my heart fills with joy! I look at my friends (new and old) and think about all our wonderful talks and coffee dates, and just smile and get a little giggle going. I think of my history with Liisa, April, and Kelli from sixth grade until now; my friends from every stage of life that I still hold dear; and I think of my new ones Devon, Kelsey, Brianne, and Christina and think of how God truly provided each one. I think of my family, how wonderful they truly are! My schooling, my excitement for my future marriage and the adventures along the way. I understand what a gush-fest this all is, but I really can't comprehend the complete fullness this all brings me!

God has provided each step, each step shows how much he deeply knows me, and each moment reveals a great intricate plan that no one could create more perfectly.

Today, a smile will be on my face, ear to ear. Not because of what is ahead of me, but because of what I have. Nothing could be sweeter!

A Sudden Burst!!!

Lately (as in the last few years, on and off, and lately worse) I have been like a grandma in the area of my energy levels. I have to be in bed usually around 10:30 or 11 at the latest, and have to pull myself out of bed to get somewhere on time. And I always have that afternoon lull that reminds me of the 5-hour energy shots commercial. But, MIRACLE! It began yesterday, with no afternoon lull! THEN I couldn't get myself to want to sleep until 1:30 am because I was wanting to do my nails and watch Gossip Girl and clean and read and... everything that I'm usually too tired for. THEN, THEN I woke up naturally at 7:30, ready to go! Lets go to the gym, get ready, blah blah blah! Thank you, my Jesus, for energy! I attribute it to my upped commitment to the gym, eating a more yummy and balanced diet, not eating really any sugary desserts (like cookies and ice cream) or too much bad carbs, etc... UPGRADE!

And four months later...

Holy cannoli! Its been 4 months since I remembered I actually had a blog. Last time I wrote, I was newly engaged- yay! Shortly after, Rob and I were separated for our summer jobs until the end of August. A long summer it was! He visited in July and I flew down to Boise at the very end of the season. I missed Rob, and I missed Moscow, which is amazing in itself.

Well, now school has started. I am taking a very full load (19 credits, soon to be 20), and interning, and practically going home or somewhere new every weekend. We will be on-the-go constantly until November. (The rest of this post is boring, so you may quit reading now if you'd like)

Family is in town, and there's nothing I love more than being with my family. So this weekend we are going home in hopes to see Nanny, and next week after that, the Kaiser (mom's) side is visiting! I haven't seen them in a few years, and I am so excited to see them. They are coming down to Moscow on the 2nd, and I will go home with them the next day.

Our amazing friends, Kelsey and JT are getting married in October and Rob is in the wedding party. Upside- SEATTLE! Downside- I'll only be there for less than 24 hours. Bummer. I LOVE Sea-town! I cannot wait for their wedding. This group of friend has grown to be one of great support for myself, Rob, and our relationship. Fun fun FUN times to come!

After that, its Miss Princess Abigail's third birthday! We are going down to Boise the weekend after the wedding to see the birthday girl, and my parents are meeting Rob's.

And of course, when we aren't away for the weekend, we are (and will be) busy with FARMER'S MARKET every saturday, and homework, football games, and hanging out with our super awesome friends, Alissa and Chad. I love Farmer's Market, and sad it only lasts until the end of October, but I cherish every moment of it that I can!

Wow, crazy weeks ahead. I love being busy, but I also like having moments of quiet. I am looking forward to when I can have my Super Clean Saturdays and Lazy Sundays, but at the moment, I love the excitement of it all! ;)

XOXO!

He must have liked it 'cause he put a ring on it!

Our FAVORITE picture!

Holy crap. I woke up this morning, with a ring on "the" finger, and all I could say was "Holy CRAP!"

As a girl (and a VERY girly girl at that), I dreamt about this moment and my wedding more times than I could count. Seriously. Every 6 months my future bridesmaids list would lose or gain a friend, my colors have (at one time) been the entire rainbow, and my dresses went from short to long, fat to sleek, ivory or white, cap-sleeved to spaghetti strap to sleeveless, beaded to plain, and back again.

I never thought about what I really expected the engagement to be like though, and I don't think I can explain that feeling I had inside when it finally happened. It was really nothing hugely over done, but it couldn't have been more perfect.

I love being outdoors and seening awesome sights! Since we've been stuck in yucky Moscow, there's not too much of that. When I arrived in Boise on Thursday, I was very vocal about the fact that I did not want to stay cooped up in his house doing homework and such, and that I wanted to go do things (and I was thinking specifically hiking). So last night (Saturday) as we were getting Abbie ready to go back to her mom, he mentioned going up to Table Rock on the east side of Boise. Of course I was nothing more than excited! I had the slightest idea that maybe he was going to propose, but kept talking myself out of it so i wouldn't be disappointed. So we dropped Miss Precious off, hopped in the Jeep, and began driving and he showed me parts of Boise. When we got up there, I was secretly looked for my friend Alissa's (a close Boise native friend from school who wanted to be there when it happened. And I wanted her to be too, to take pics) car to tip me off! When I didn't see her car, I figured this wasn't it, and was totally cool with it.

As we pulled up, there was this huge group of teenagers hanging out. Not ideal to enjoy an incredible view. So, he took me down these little boulders to a trail to leads to under the large plateau. The view was AMAZING! We just stood there with our arms around each other and talked. He asked me "So how does our future look?" Being sarcastic as ever, I said "Well, good from up here!" We then talked about how it would be for me to live in Boise away from my family, and if I was ready to be a stepmom. As I told him how much I love Abbie and already view her as my stepdaughter, he pulled away from me, turned to face me, and got down on one knee!

Tears instantly flooded and my face turned red and I couldn't say anything! Well... Besides YES! He was so nervous that when we went to put the ring on my finger, he grabbed for the wrong hand! So cute, and he made me laugh. :) I was so shaky, I couldn't hold my phone to take a picture, couldn't answer my sister's phone call, and kept hanging up on her!

I am so blessed. I love this man with every thing I am, and cannot wait to be his wife!

Tear-and-mascara soaked face, and a perma-smile!

My 3-stone 2.3 CARAT diamond ring!

Money Money Mooooneeeeyyy!

... Or my lack of it. Ha! I always seem to run out of "funding" at the end of each semester, praying and hoping that they days between now and my next chunk of grant money will be quick and painless. Then the wheel begins to run on what I owe, how much, and when it must be paid. Then I think about how I need to save it for when I graduate and get married and have to move.

Oh the days when I was 5 and didn't worry about all this crap. Those days were awesome.

But come to think of it, its not so bad. I haven't been the smartest kid with money, but I haven't been the stupidest either. I'm lucky in a sense, because when I look back I see that whenever I've been in a financial pinch, God has always had my back. Granted he's made me sweat it out a bit, but I think overall, I am slightly wiser and at a point where I can pull myself out of it with a little help. Another little lesson in grace and God's ability to work on me through it.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:19

I hope all is well with you, and for a joyful and peaceful rest of your week!

XOXO,

Alaina

Yo, Mama!

Holy Moses! Almost a year since I've written on here. Just shows it was a CRAZY year! But in the present happening, I must give a shout-out ("Hi, MOM!") before I go on to the nitty-gritty... I mean, the events of the year...

I think you all know my mom, and that we haven't always had the greatest of moments (I think when I was 13, she really might have wanted to send me somewhere. I wouldn't blame her). But over the years, she has become a great strength to me, someone I can go to for practical advice and to hear a joke or two. She proves to me that she really does know who I am deep down, and that she knows exactly what I want to hear. She's a great support, and I love my Mama! Happy Mother's Day!

So, almost exactly a year ago, I quit my bank job and took a month break (so needed!) before I started work at Gozzer Ranch as a camp counselor. Working there provided the busiest, craziest, most fun and adventure-filled summer I could dream up in CDA. I met some super awesome people, hung out with some fun kids, and learned to wake board and wake surf. I spent the whole summer outside and I am stoked to do it again!

Right after the last day of Gozzer (literally, the very next day), I moved to Moscow, Idaho to continue my education at U of I. God has totally blessed me in this area of my life and I am so happy where I am in my education and the great plans God has for them! Through this, He has filled my life with amazing supportive people who really believe in me, push me to grow

deeper in my learning, and I am a better person because of it.

I finally got to a place where I didn't want a relationship and was totally content on where I stood in this area of my life. Cue Rob. It was the first day of class, in the first class (7:30 am! Yikes!) and as I walked in I saw some emo dude flirting with the professor. He caught my eye simply because he was a guy dressed in all black, with a beard, in a classroom full of girls... And he talked a lot. Right after class I went to work at the Bagel Shop and who walks in? Rob. Come to find out, we also go to the same church, work almost every shift together and have class together every day. At first he thought I was the annoying new girl and I thought he was a jerk. But with my magical and unobservant ways, I had him asking me out by the end of the day- which I didnt realize at first. He kept asking until a week later we went on our first date. And, voi-la! We started dating and it has been 9 months. We couldn't be happier! (Plus: his baby girl, Abbie, is an incredible joy in my life! God has filled my life with love, an ever-growing ability to love, and there is no

way I can ever repay Him!)

Precious Miss Abbie!

This summer I am heading home and continuing with summer session (12 credits. Lord, help me!), working at Gozzer, and looking forward to spending a lot of free time with my amazing family, catching up with my dear friends, training for half-marathons (goal!), and helping out with Think Pink, Inc. (http://www.thinkpinkboise.com/). Rob will be down in southern Idaho working at a YMCA camp as a director. 3.5 months apart! It will be hard, but we know we can do it!

Well, blah blah blah, I know, but thank you so much for reading! I love you all, and thank my family and friends for their love and support.

XOXO,

Alaina

My crazy amazing friend, Karyn, is trying to sleep but i keep sending her texts, which she patiently replies to each one. She's a trooper. But they are somehow getting shorter and shorter each time she replies. Cant really blame her too much. 

Her last text simply said, "Its hard to give grace when you are hurting." 

Touche. 

This last week has been a bit hard, my emotions have been fiercely hit. But tonight I forgot to give that one person I know who really needs a break and a huge portion of grace and instead probably hurt them even more, which sucks a lot.

And what strikes me as a bit funny, a little ironic, and largely sad is that today at my meeting with my mentor, as we were going over a few Psalms and Proverbs, she reminded me that we can feel anger but choose grace. And God delights in that. He has called us to that... As part of the, you know, "love your neighbor as yourself" golden rule.

So, you have an emotion that mostly you create (or a reaction to a situation), but He gives us the choice of truth (and action from the situation). Really, its our call. As His follower, we are called to honor Him in these daily, and often minute-by-minute, decisions.

Reading in the Psalms and Proverbs really gives you a bitter-sweet appreciation for these times when we feel all of these emotions that are not always necessarily valid. It brings me a great heap of humility (which I often need- He knows me so very well). It draws my efforts to more of a dependancy on His strength by showing me how weak I am. And it gives me an insight and focus on the areas that we need to work on within me to better live in His will (like GRACE and confidence in His love)

Painful, but refreshing.

I am reminded that my imperfections are OK, that He loves me right where I am. I dont need to be like "her" to be loved (because I already am), and I dont need to be like "her" to be satisfied or confident (because only He really satisfies and should be my confidence). 

A few days ago, as i was driving and praying to God what was on my heart, I was asked if I knew He loved me. I said yes. Then, in an answer just as simple as Karyn's text, He said, "I always provide for the ones I love." Thats all I needed to hear. And what grace that He gave me! I dont deserve it, yet He always provides it.

So, now its time to go out and learn how to give this grace when I'd rather be angry, and to wait on His timing to bless me with these things on my heart which only He can satisfy.

True Change and a good growth

So, lately I've been kinda confronted (not entirely intentionally, mostly by my own realizations) on my own idiosyncrasies and things that dont only need to be changed, but must be changed. 

I all the sudden find it super hard to leave my past as just my past and not try to hold on to the idea that I can change inside and alter my actions, but now I see that I have to completely forget and turn away (more like run) from anything and everything i use to do, where I use to go, and now I'm beginning to know that that sometimes also means the people.  

It puts a pit in my stomach to walk from the things I use to enjoy, but a comfort to know that I am walking toward the one thing I know I can always love and in return always be loved in. 

For those who have yet to see this side of me, let me tell you how unforgiving and punishing I can be of myself. I am constantly getting upset at the things I've done or what I said or decisions I've made. So, in an effort to psychotically realign myself, I will say this in the proverbial mirror : The past is the past, and nothing will change what happened in it. But you have changed and will continue to. This change is first to build the relationship between you and the Lord that once only seemed. Second, it is for you and the life you want to live. Third, it is for others... to help them not walk down that road, to love them and accept them (something I find very hard a lot of times) unmendible for where they are and to help them to get to where they want and need to be. 

So for those I love, and know... I look back on any wrongs I've done, decisions I poorly or ignorantly made, and a life i selfishly lived and say sorry. I've at times been a hypocrite and unfair and a poor example.

An overwhelming moment

My grades are less than satisfactory, homework is piling up.
My boss is a drama king.
My family feels a tad naggy with "where are you?" and "when are you going to...?".
Agh... I pray for balance and for peace, with hope that one day it will be peaceful and still, even for just a moment.
I feel pulled in several different directions and there are moments where I am so worn out, not knowing what task to do first, that I just sit and space away or go where my friends are and forget it all.
Its a tug-of-war in my mind between the things I want to do and the things I need to do, with the most important always seeming to lose.
I long to feel His touch and hug and kiss... To easy my mind and sooth my soul. To bring peace to the longings of my heart and patience to my mind in the waiting of things to come. I long for the focus to complete the tasks at hand which He has set me on. In this peace, I pray for my eyes to widen, my heart to open, and my soul to become still long enough to simply sit in peace and breath in His grace and beauty, simplicity and complexity, to soak in everything my mind could possibly fathom of His awesomeness... Ahh, yeah...
Back to work I go...

MMMMM! Do you smell that?!

It smells like spring outside!  Well, I know that its only temporary and that winter will resume in a few short days, but I will savor it while I have it!

Is it just me or does it seem like my hunger for God is apeezed during the winter months, but it always seems to grow more and more as I see more sun and feel warmer air. I cant explain it, but I'd like to break this cycle. Maybe its because of the lack of real sun or the sheer  frustration of having to drive in this grossness. Who knows, but I do know that I dont want to seek Him only  seasonally. 

All I want to do right now (besides snowboard, bake or clean) is go to Quemblin Park with my dog, climb a bit, and just sit there and look at the prettiness of what was created for our enjoyment. 

God is GOOD!!!!

I... Am... In... LOVE!

I get butterflies in my stomach, a rush of adrenaline, and a little nauseous because I'm so excited about my new love: Snowboarding! I couldn't get enough of it yesterday. In fact, I want to go again today and on my days off and next weekend. Blisters, bruises, sore muscles & joints and all... 

Its uncomfortable for me to be out of my comfort zone.

Tomorrow (or today) I am going snowboarding! YAY! Granted, last time i went was 10 years ago and I was surrounded by all of my closest girlfriends who didn't know how to board as well... And I will look like a complete idiot going with a bunch of people who seem to live on the mountains meaning I will likely be stranded on my own on the bunny hill...

BUT WHO CARES?! I'm going boarding! I loved it the first time and I am sure I still will. This is where I begin to think of things like "Oh my, my room is a mess. I should stay home and clean." Or "Bills have to be paid. I better stay home and pay them."or the classic "What if he wrecks the car on our way then I die?" Looking back at the fears I often use to rationalize the fact that I want to do so many thing, yet always find reasons not to actually do them... They are pretty silly and I find myself laughing at myself on the inside. 

God has not created us to live out of fear, but to LIVE a life of adventure, love, joy, risk and mostly faith. This is a little truth that is becoming bigger and more evident everyday as I trust him and faithfully step out of these comfort zones knowing that whatever the outcome, He will be there to catch me if it turns out bad, and there to guide my every step towards Him.

Jacob Suitter's Awesome List for Today...

Hi. My name is Jacob and I write about Awesome things in list form. 

Today I am not feeling particularly awesome, although I always am.

 So here is today's List (written by my best female friend-in-the-top-ten, Alaina)...

Awesome Things To Do in Winter:

1. Snow Piles.  Make one that is 20 feet high and climb it like Everest. 

2. Go Look at the Lights. And smile knowing that all the prettiness is draining a very rich man's wallet.

3. Give. Nothing puts a smile on my (Alaina's) face like seeing someone open an awesome gift from you. Bonus points if they're just as excited as you are!

4. Baking. And receiving baked goods (like Lindsey S.'s amazing cookies), or CUPCAKES.

5. Paid Holidays. Nothing more need be said besides:

 (Day Off + Still Making a Living) Family + Food= AWESOME!

6. Visitors. Its the highlight of the holidays when a friend or family member comes home for that glorious week after not seeing them for a long while.

7. Christmas Parties and White Elephants. Great friends and wine, plus funny stories about White Elephant gifts. Secret: Find a cohort to cheat the system so you both walk away with the most awesome gifts and then share. Even better if you're not a couple so then you can REALLY cheat the system.

A Recycled Post From October

Sometimes I wonder why I had to be made into a girl. I wonder why I had to be made with all these ramped emotions and a mind that never stops thinking about at least 3 things at once. But while I seem to have every thought and every emotion running through my head, I still feel numb to things that are deep. I feel shallow and empty. I know thats not me. All the things that God has painfully changed me from seem to be flooding back again and it scares me. My heart, for some reason I cannot find, seems to ignore Him or just chose to not seek Him. I know my life is pointless with out my Lord's love in it... And life could never fully reach its potential until it is no longer my own. I ache to feel His tug on these emotions- to make them His and grab hold of my heart again. I long to feel His unmistakeable touch and hear His comforting voice that puts everything to ease.

A little side note...

Today was my cousin Jeff's 27th birthday. As usual, we all gathered at my aunts house for a big dinner and to just hang out with each other, including my 1 1/2 year old cousin Carter and his big brother Byron (3 years old) who comes complete with a Montana-sized imagination.

So in the midst of dinner, Byron looks at me with his big blues and flash light in hand saying, "Hey laina, wanta go hunting?" No girl could resist. Me and the little poacher "caught" 3 deers.

As the night drew to a close with many laughs at this child's stories and vivid imagination, as well as watching him get clobbered in an argument by his substantially younger sibling, I ended up with a fishing date tomorrow as well as 5 minutes worth of "I LOVE YOU! OK, Bye!"'s...

Needless to say it was much needed (and very refreshing) to see a simple blessing that shows us just how much God designed us for joy, even in the midst of confusion, stress, sadness, and insecurity...

A little baby-sized revelation...

So I have been thinking lately... which the simple event itself usually gets me in trouble... About how often I compare myself to others. How then it leads to this self doubt of if I am good enough for this or that or this person and not another... Its really a crazy dizzying cycle that sometimes ends, but most often does not. It begins with the simple admiration of a personality (or physical) trait that I see in another, then slowly becomes a firm belief that that other individual is somehow more likable, lovable, or valuable than myself and I begin to largely see everything that I lack.

Well, now I say.... ENOUGH! Its truly a selfish habit and does no good to anyone including myself. Those doubts are lies- things that blind me from the many things that are amazing and true blessings from the One who loves me just the way He's made me. 

Instead of focusing on internal things that really are not important, why not focus on things that are? Such as... A deeper love and relationship with God- taking time to truly dig in a see things in a way I never have before. Or giving what I can to those who need it- like an ear to listen, or a hug to embrace... A coffee to someone who needs a boost or warmth... Prayer for those who hurt, long, ache, or just do not think they have any hope... Be someone to praise with when life gives blessings... Laughter to someone who cant think of a reason to smile... Encouragement to a broken spirit... Oh holy moses, the things we can give that do not even cost a penny are endless; If only we could look beyond ourselves for a brief moment to see the needs of those who surround us daily.

A sign or just another funny story...

Today I got in a little medium-sized fender bender downtown... Everything's good so no worries!

So i called my insurance 1-800 number to make a claim. The guy asks me my name and last name, you know, the usual protocol... Well after I give him such info, he very casually asks, "So Alaina, are you looking to loose some of that weight today?" I thought he was joking until he repeated his question after a very crass and unexpectedly prompt "What the ?!?!?!" from my end of the conversation. We then came to the conclusion that a mere disposition of two rather important numbers reaches a diet and weight loss help line/center... Not quite what I was needing...

Yet To Come...

One of my closest friends got hitched tonight (well, last night technically). Everything, down to the very hearts of the two saying their vows, was beautiful and totally touched by our Lord...

Usually weddings get me down a bit, but I walk away tonight excited. Mostly, excited for Scott and Liisa's awesome adventure ahead in life... For their marriage, their future family, their life... How blessed I feel to be a support to them! But i settle down tonight also excited for my adventure ahead. I am not selfishly depressed that I have not yet experienced what most of my friends have, but I am so stoked to begin that journey - that process of getting to know the heart and gain the love only known between you and God, and a man and his wife- and I know that, without a doubt, the Lord has it all planned and one day I will understand what He has created to exist in the hearts between a man and a woman made for one another. 

My prayer is this: That my love and devotion and adoration grows more for my Lord everyday... That I my marriage and the steps before, will be pleasing to Him and gain the overwhelming support of those I love and share life with like Liisa and Scott are so blessed with. 

The Lord is awesome, at all times...

So Blessed!

I was just thinking on my way home about a close friend of mine and the struggles they are going through... And how blessed I am to be a part of her life! I feel so honored to be someone to go to and be trusted with something so vulnerable as her heart. And a beautiful heart, too.

And then I just kind of took a step back and looked at all the people I trust with areas in my life that are so close to my heart, and now I'm convinced of so many things that I have been blind to...

Like, how ridiculously blessed I am to be given the family I have and all the friends that are such awesome pillars... How, beyond my understanding, I am able to meet all my financial needs... The fact that education is so available... And to top it off big time, the fact that no matter where I go and what I do, I am always loved beyond my comprehension and have every opportunity to give that love right back out to everyone. Words cannot describe. 

I was talking to this same friend on Sunday night... and the thought that stuck from our conversation was so true and simple that it comes back now with complete understanding: "When we quiet ourselves and let the Spirit fill us with out holding back anything, we are then able to be still and just know. And when we do this, those things about God and Our Lord that don't seem to make sense, somehow just do." There is such peace in that stillness.

What happened to all my brilliantness?

I use to have a blogspot way back in the day... I believe its www.alaina1984.blogspot.com... Its really kinda silly and I havent read it since I last wrote about 4 years ago...

I will be posting all my more recent blogs here soon.

Right now I'm too lazy... :)