I all the sudden find it super hard to leave my past as just my past and not try to hold on to the idea that I can change inside and alter my actions, but now I see that I have to completely forget and turn away (more like run) from anything and everything i use to do, where I use to go, and now I'm beginning to know that that sometimes also means the people.
It puts a pit in my stomach to walk from the things I use to enjoy, but a comfort to know that I am walking toward the one thing I know I can always love and in return always be loved in.
For those who have yet to see this side of me, let me tell you how unforgiving and punishing I can be of myself. I am constantly getting upset at the things I've done or what I said or decisions I've made. So, in an effort to psychotically realign myself, I will say this in the proverbial mirror : The past is the past, and nothing will change what happened in it. But you have changed and will continue to. This change is first to build the relationship between you and the Lord that once only seemed. Second, it is for you and the life you want to live. Third, it is for others... to help them not walk down that road, to love them and accept them (something I find very hard a lot of times) unmendible for where they are and to help them to get to where they want and need to be.
So for those I love, and know... I look back on any wrongs I've done, decisions I poorly or ignorantly made, and a life i selfishly lived and say sorry. I've at times been a hypocrite and unfair and a poor example.
