My crazy amazing friend, Karyn, is trying to sleep but i keep sending her texts, which she patiently replies to each one. She's a trooper. But they are somehow getting shorter and shorter each time she replies. Cant really blame her too much. 

Her last text simply said, "Its hard to give grace when you are hurting." 

Touche. 

This last week has been a bit hard, my emotions have been fiercely hit. But tonight I forgot to give that one person I know who really needs a break and a huge portion of grace and instead probably hurt them even more, which sucks a lot.

And what strikes me as a bit funny, a little ironic, and largely sad is that today at my meeting with my mentor, as we were going over a few Psalms and Proverbs, she reminded me that we can feel anger but choose grace. And God delights in that. He has called us to that... As part of the, you know, "love your neighbor as yourself" golden rule.

So, you have an emotion that mostly you create (or a reaction to a situation), but He gives us the choice of truth (and action from the situation). Really, its our call. As His follower, we are called to honor Him in these daily, and often minute-by-minute, decisions.

Reading in the Psalms and Proverbs really gives you a bitter-sweet appreciation for these times when we feel all of these emotions that are not always necessarily valid. It brings me a great heap of humility (which I often need- He knows me so very well). It draws my efforts to more of a dependancy on His strength by showing me how weak I am. And it gives me an insight and focus on the areas that we need to work on within me to better live in His will (like GRACE and confidence in His love)

Painful, but refreshing.

I am reminded that my imperfections are OK, that He loves me right where I am. I dont need to be like "her" to be loved (because I already am), and I dont need to be like "her" to be satisfied or confident (because only He really satisfies and should be my confidence). 

A few days ago, as i was driving and praying to God what was on my heart, I was asked if I knew He loved me. I said yes. Then, in an answer just as simple as Karyn's text, He said, "I always provide for the ones I love." Thats all I needed to hear. And what grace that He gave me! I dont deserve it, yet He always provides it.

So, now its time to go out and learn how to give this grace when I'd rather be angry, and to wait on His timing to bless me with these things on my heart which only He can satisfy.

True Change and a good growth

So, lately I've been kinda confronted (not entirely intentionally, mostly by my own realizations) on my own idiosyncrasies and things that dont only need to be changed, but must be changed. 

I all the sudden find it super hard to leave my past as just my past and not try to hold on to the idea that I can change inside and alter my actions, but now I see that I have to completely forget and turn away (more like run) from anything and everything i use to do, where I use to go, and now I'm beginning to know that that sometimes also means the people.  

It puts a pit in my stomach to walk from the things I use to enjoy, but a comfort to know that I am walking toward the one thing I know I can always love and in return always be loved in. 

For those who have yet to see this side of me, let me tell you how unforgiving and punishing I can be of myself. I am constantly getting upset at the things I've done or what I said or decisions I've made. So, in an effort to psychotically realign myself, I will say this in the proverbial mirror : The past is the past, and nothing will change what happened in it. But you have changed and will continue to. This change is first to build the relationship between you and the Lord that once only seemed. Second, it is for you and the life you want to live. Third, it is for others... to help them not walk down that road, to love them and accept them (something I find very hard a lot of times) unmendible for where they are and to help them to get to where they want and need to be. 

So for those I love, and know... I look back on any wrongs I've done, decisions I poorly or ignorantly made, and a life i selfishly lived and say sorry. I've at times been a hypocrite and unfair and a poor example.

An overwhelming moment

My grades are less than satisfactory, homework is piling up.
My boss is a drama king.
My family feels a tad naggy with "where are you?" and "when are you going to...?".
Agh... I pray for balance and for peace, with hope that one day it will be peaceful and still, even for just a moment.
I feel pulled in several different directions and there are moments where I am so worn out, not knowing what task to do first, that I just sit and space away or go where my friends are and forget it all.
Its a tug-of-war in my mind between the things I want to do and the things I need to do, with the most important always seeming to lose.
I long to feel His touch and hug and kiss... To easy my mind and sooth my soul. To bring peace to the longings of my heart and patience to my mind in the waiting of things to come. I long for the focus to complete the tasks at hand which He has set me on. In this peace, I pray for my eyes to widen, my heart to open, and my soul to become still long enough to simply sit in peace and breath in His grace and beauty, simplicity and complexity, to soak in everything my mind could possibly fathom of His awesomeness... Ahh, yeah...
Back to work I go...

MMMMM! Do you smell that?!

It smells like spring outside!  Well, I know that its only temporary and that winter will resume in a few short days, but I will savor it while I have it!

Is it just me or does it seem like my hunger for God is apeezed during the winter months, but it always seems to grow more and more as I see more sun and feel warmer air. I cant explain it, but I'd like to break this cycle. Maybe its because of the lack of real sun or the sheer  frustration of having to drive in this grossness. Who knows, but I do know that I dont want to seek Him only  seasonally. 

All I want to do right now (besides snowboard, bake or clean) is go to Quemblin Park with my dog, climb a bit, and just sit there and look at the prettiness of what was created for our enjoyment. 

God is GOOD!!!!