True Change and a good growth

So, lately I've been kinda confronted (not entirely intentionally, mostly by my own realizations) on my own idiosyncrasies and things that dont only need to be changed, but must be changed. 

I all the sudden find it super hard to leave my past as just my past and not try to hold on to the idea that I can change inside and alter my actions, but now I see that I have to completely forget and turn away (more like run) from anything and everything i use to do, where I use to go, and now I'm beginning to know that that sometimes also means the people.  

It puts a pit in my stomach to walk from the things I use to enjoy, but a comfort to know that I am walking toward the one thing I know I can always love and in return always be loved in. 

For those who have yet to see this side of me, let me tell you how unforgiving and punishing I can be of myself. I am constantly getting upset at the things I've done or what I said or decisions I've made. So, in an effort to psychotically realign myself, I will say this in the proverbial mirror : The past is the past, and nothing will change what happened in it. But you have changed and will continue to. This change is first to build the relationship between you and the Lord that once only seemed. Second, it is for you and the life you want to live. Third, it is for others... to help them not walk down that road, to love them and accept them (something I find very hard a lot of times) unmendible for where they are and to help them to get to where they want and need to be. 

So for those I love, and know... I look back on any wrongs I've done, decisions I poorly or ignorantly made, and a life i selfishly lived and say sorry. I've at times been a hypocrite and unfair and a poor example.

An overwhelming moment

My grades are less than satisfactory, homework is piling up.
My boss is a drama king.
My family feels a tad naggy with "where are you?" and "when are you going to...?".
Agh... I pray for balance and for peace, with hope that one day it will be peaceful and still, even for just a moment.
I feel pulled in several different directions and there are moments where I am so worn out, not knowing what task to do first, that I just sit and space away or go where my friends are and forget it all.
Its a tug-of-war in my mind between the things I want to do and the things I need to do, with the most important always seeming to lose.
I long to feel His touch and hug and kiss... To easy my mind and sooth my soul. To bring peace to the longings of my heart and patience to my mind in the waiting of things to come. I long for the focus to complete the tasks at hand which He has set me on. In this peace, I pray for my eyes to widen, my heart to open, and my soul to become still long enough to simply sit in peace and breath in His grace and beauty, simplicity and complexity, to soak in everything my mind could possibly fathom of His awesomeness... Ahh, yeah...
Back to work I go...

MMMMM! Do you smell that?!

It smells like spring outside!  Well, I know that its only temporary and that winter will resume in a few short days, but I will savor it while I have it!

Is it just me or does it seem like my hunger for God is apeezed during the winter months, but it always seems to grow more and more as I see more sun and feel warmer air. I cant explain it, but I'd like to break this cycle. Maybe its because of the lack of real sun or the sheer  frustration of having to drive in this grossness. Who knows, but I do know that I dont want to seek Him only  seasonally. 

All I want to do right now (besides snowboard, bake or clean) is go to Quemblin Park with my dog, climb a bit, and just sit there and look at the prettiness of what was created for our enjoyment. 

God is GOOD!!!!

I... Am... In... LOVE!

I get butterflies in my stomach, a rush of adrenaline, and a little nauseous because I'm so excited about my new love: Snowboarding! I couldn't get enough of it yesterday. In fact, I want to go again today and on my days off and next weekend. Blisters, bruises, sore muscles & joints and all... 

Its uncomfortable for me to be out of my comfort zone.

Tomorrow (or today) I am going snowboarding! YAY! Granted, last time i went was 10 years ago and I was surrounded by all of my closest girlfriends who didn't know how to board as well... And I will look like a complete idiot going with a bunch of people who seem to live on the mountains meaning I will likely be stranded on my own on the bunny hill...

BUT WHO CARES?! I'm going boarding! I loved it the first time and I am sure I still will. This is where I begin to think of things like "Oh my, my room is a mess. I should stay home and clean." Or "Bills have to be paid. I better stay home and pay them."or the classic "What if he wrecks the car on our way then I die?" Looking back at the fears I often use to rationalize the fact that I want to do so many thing, yet always find reasons not to actually do them... They are pretty silly and I find myself laughing at myself on the inside. 

God has not created us to live out of fear, but to LIVE a life of adventure, love, joy, risk and mostly faith. This is a little truth that is becoming bigger and more evident everyday as I trust him and faithfully step out of these comfort zones knowing that whatever the outcome, He will be there to catch me if it turns out bad, and there to guide my every step towards Him.

Jacob Suitter's Awesome List for Today...

Hi. My name is Jacob and I write about Awesome things in list form. 

Today I am not feeling particularly awesome, although I always am.

 So here is today's List (written by my best female friend-in-the-top-ten, Alaina)...

Awesome Things To Do in Winter:

1. Snow Piles.  Make one that is 20 feet high and climb it like Everest. 

2. Go Look at the Lights. And smile knowing that all the prettiness is draining a very rich man's wallet.

3. Give. Nothing puts a smile on my (Alaina's) face like seeing someone open an awesome gift from you. Bonus points if they're just as excited as you are!

4. Baking. And receiving baked goods (like Lindsey S.'s amazing cookies), or CUPCAKES.

5. Paid Holidays. Nothing more need be said besides:

 (Day Off + Still Making a Living) Family + Food= AWESOME!

6. Visitors. Its the highlight of the holidays when a friend or family member comes home for that glorious week after not seeing them for a long while.

7. Christmas Parties and White Elephants. Great friends and wine, plus funny stories about White Elephant gifts. Secret: Find a cohort to cheat the system so you both walk away with the most awesome gifts and then share. Even better if you're not a couple so then you can REALLY cheat the system.

A Recycled Post From October

Sometimes I wonder why I had to be made into a girl. I wonder why I had to be made with all these ramped emotions and a mind that never stops thinking about at least 3 things at once. But while I seem to have every thought and every emotion running through my head, I still feel numb to things that are deep. I feel shallow and empty. I know thats not me. All the things that God has painfully changed me from seem to be flooding back again and it scares me. My heart, for some reason I cannot find, seems to ignore Him or just chose to not seek Him. I know my life is pointless with out my Lord's love in it... And life could never fully reach its potential until it is no longer my own. I ache to feel His tug on these emotions- to make them His and grab hold of my heart again. I long to feel His unmistakeable touch and hear His comforting voice that puts everything to ease.